I once had a lecturer who looked like KARL MARX. He was from Pankow in Berlin and when he came to visit me at Alexanderplatz to check I was doing OK on my year abroad, I kid you not: I felt as though I was in a weird space/timeloop.
Aside from looking like KARL MARX, HEIKO FELDNER was one of the most magnetic people I have ever met. Everything about him made me want to sit and talk with him. When you sat and talked him through something, he would often say ‘yes… yes… that’s good… develop this idea’ in a very German accent and he made you feel like you could accomplish anything.
I’ve always tried to emulate that quality but couldn’t really put my finger on exactly what it was, but now I know: he was displaying a high level of charisma.
Sure, he wasn’t doing a Steve Ballmer (that guy really loved Microsoft. See also: this). But whenever he spoke, I genuinely felt like the smartest person on the planet despite the fact that FELDNER’s intellect could crush me under its heft.
Reading The Charisma Myth by OLIVIA FOX CABANE last week made me realise that actually with practice you can adopt a charismatic personality, turning it on and off to suit the situation you’re in.
As an attempt to put CABANE’s very practical ideas into action, I have been doing a lot of prolonged eye contact, leaving gaps of awkward lengths before answering any question and also being overly familiar with strangers.
Today, I had a brilliant day. I met new people and every new person I met left the conversation having genuinely felt like I provided value to them. I arrived home to find a number of invites to follow up. Which is pretty cool.
gtg, am vibing on my positive day ✌️🍵👯,
Marc
SNIPPETS
This was reassuring for me. I think of myself as quite an interesting person but don’t always feel like I’m a master of a situation:
Have you ever had the experience of feeling totally confident, master of a situation? A moment when people seemed impressed by you—even just one moment of the people around you going “Wow!” We don’t necessarily think of these experiences as charisma, or consider ourselves charismatic, because we assume that charismatic people are magnetic every instant of every day. They aren’t.
It was actually a reference to this particular passage that helped me pick up the book in the first place. I like the concept of charisma as a set of behaviours:
Charisma has come under the scrutiny of sociologists, psychologists, and cognitive and behavioral scientists. It has been studied in multiple ways, from clinical laboratory experiments and cross-sectional and longitudinal survey research to qualitative interpretative analysis. The subjects of these studies have been presidents, military leaders, students of all ages, and business executives from low-level managers to CEOs. Thanks to such research, we now understand charisma as a set of behaviors.
Going to use this one at a dinner party sometime:
IN THE TORRID London summer of 1886, William Gladstone was up against Benjamin Disraeli for the post of prime minister of the United Kingdom. This was the Victorian era, so whoever won was going to rule half the world. In the very last week before the election, both men happened to take the same young woman out to dinner. Naturally, the press asked her what impressions the rivals had made. She said, “After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.” Guess who won the election? It was the man who made others feel intelligent, impressive, and fascinating: Benjamin Disraeli.
Here’s some of the stuff I’ve been working on to, so far, noticeable effect:
Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:
Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
It’s fun because I like mindfulness and this is kind of that.
The very next time you’re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is fully engaged or whether it is wandering elsewhere (including preparing your next sentence). Aim to bring yourself back to the present moment as often as you can by focusing on your breath or your toes for just a second, and then get back to focusing on the other person.
If I’m doing a difficult phone call where I’m feeling nervous, I always walk around with my headphones in, smiling and maybe throwing a ball in the air. It makes my voice sound entirely different on the call (I’ve heard myself in phone recordings). It’s nice to know this is validated by MIT:
After extensive studies, the MIT Media Lab concluded that it could predict the outcome of negotiations, telephone sales calls, and business plan pitches with 87 percent accuracy simply by analyzing participants’ body language, without listening to a single word of content.
Humans are incredible and mystical:
The placebo effect can sometimes be remarkably powerful. Ellen Langer, a Harvard University professor of psychology, gathered a group of elderly patients in a nursing-home-like environment and surrounded them with the decor, clothing, food, and music that was popular when they were in their twenties. In the following weeks, physical exams showed tighter skin, better eyesight, increased muscle strength, and even higher bone density than before.
As I said, this is my most highlighted book so far for the year so I’m not going to get near to sharing all of the snippets I have with you. This is less than 10%. If you’re a person who would like to learn to be more charismatic, I highly recommend this book.
BONUS
Just once more, here’s that Steve Ballmer moment: